There’s a meme floating around social media that states “Dudes really be hurting the girls they begged to be with.” Whew! When I tell you I felt this in my spirit. There’s this guys that chased me for years! He pursued me all throughout college but I never gave him a chance because I knew he was a playboy. When I finally caved and gave him access to the sensation that is me, he had the nerve to pull a disappearing act! I’ve dated many F-boys in the past, but the ones who go above and beyond the call of uselessness leave an extra stale taste in my mouth. Not only did I compromise my best judgement by even agreeing to deal with a dusty; but I wasted a significant amount of time trying to be with someone who never put forth any real effort. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way but you don’t have to. I’ve figured out the proper protocol to handle getting ghosted and I’ll be sharing it with you today. The one and only thing that should be done after a guy takes a leave of absence, is take your L like a G! Let it go sis. He don’t want you no more! If he did, he wouldn’t have ceased communication with you. More importantly, he would have given you a title. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you were just another woman on his To Do List.
You’re probably wondering what makes me so qualified to discuss ghosting. Well, I’ve experienced it from both ends of the spectrum. I’ve been both the one who has done the ghosting and have also been ghosted. I can honestly say it’s a gift and a curse. Although, disconnecting yourself from someone without providing a proper separation notice may seem like a toxic trait, I believe there are times when cutting ties abruptly is absolutely necessary . There was this one guy that I “dated” on and off in grad school. He had such a strong hold on me. He wasn’t worth two nickels rubbed together and I knew it. But that didn’t stop me from climbing into his web of lies as well as his bed often. I tried to leave him alone on several occasions but failed miserably. He knew exactly what to say and which emojis to send. He had the playbook to my field of love and I yearned for his touchdowns. Ultimately, I had to block him to prevent myself from getting caught up. It was imperative that I forcefully remove him from my life. If I hadn’t ghosted him, I’d still be under his spell. I had to do what was best for me, no matter how rude it may be considered.
Although my reasoning for blocking dude was in the best interest of my emotional health, men rarely get ghost for self preservation. They simply don’t want to be involve anymore so they cut ties. Previously, as an active dues paying member of the Get A Clue crew, I would make excuses for the guy who had left me on read. “Maybe he’s having family or money issues”, I’d say. Or I would try to convince myself that the cell phone tower by his house was janky because you know how Sprint service be. Young and dumb was a complete understatement. His family, finances and phone service were all fine. He just didn’t want to talk to me, so he didn’t. Period! A man not being interested in me was a hard concept to grasp so instead of walking away gracefully, I begged for closure in true pick me fashion. Thank God I grew out of my stupidity and stopped asking for the unnecessary closure. Dudes rarely came off their sabbaticals to discuss their feelings. When they did, their explanations were drizzled with just enough foolery and flattery to convince me to sleep with them again. However, I stopped partaking in both of those self destructing manners once I learned the ABCs of Ghosting, which are listed and defined below. By familiarizing myself with the signs, I’ve become better equipped at spotting potential ghosts and have dodged several failed situationships because of it.
A) Ambiguous Relationship Status
Beware of the man who avoids commitment. When you finally muster up enough courage to ask him that horrifying question, “So What Are We?” (I advise against this by the way), he’ll curve the question so smoothly that you won’t even know what hit you. This Master of Disguise will tell you that you’re special and he’s never met anyone like you, so he’d like to take his time with you. Although it sounds sweet, it’s false AF! He’s met a girl exactly like you before and guess what, he ghosted her too! This Counterfeit Casanova will convince you that not having a title is actually a sweeter deal for you because what’s understood doesn’t have to be explained right? Wrong! If you’ve been entertaining a man for a significant amount of time and he has not given you a relationship title, odds are he’s keeping things light so he can come and go as he pleases. When a man, and I repeat a MAN, wants you, he’ll map out a plan to take you off the market. If not, he’ll stick around to get what he can get until he no longer wants it anymore.
B) Bedroom Rendezvous
Listen! I could write a whole dissertation about this topic, okay! In fact, my book addresses several of the fornication festivals that I had during my escape to Atlanta. Although I have since changed my ways and now have Alexa playing “Celibacy Blues” by Jill Scott on repeat; I’m afraid my fellow sistas are now at a disadvantage due to today’s circumstances. Auntie Rona has provided the ultimate alley-oop for the Real City Boys of Covid. Many of the premiere date night locations have been shut down, so Netflix and Chill has become more prevalent. Those who ghost already have hit it and quit it tendencies and the quarantine restrictions have made it super easy for them to do just that! Don’t fall for the okie doke boo. Make him wait! The longer you make him wait, the more you can observe his aura and analyze whether or not you want to invite him into your world. I wouldn’t recommend you let him come to your house until you have a committed relationship, but if you do, make sure he keeps his mask and his grey sweat pants on! Keep your head on a swivel sis, and I don’t mean on his…
C) Communication Issues
It’s all fun and games until you’re talking to yourself in a text thread that was once filled with lovey dovey messages from your boo. And when you finally get him to answer the phone, Sir Lies A Lot will replace the truth with monuments of nothingness. Instead of telling you the real reason for his absence, he’ll brush it off by just saying he has a lot on his plate. Ain’t nothing on your raggedy Dollar General plate fool, man up! Oops, so sorry. I had a quick flashback there. Let me get back on track. Ok so boom, everything will start off great in the communication area. He’ll gass you up morning, noon and night! The “Good Morning” texts, heart-eye emojis and social media likes will be in abundance. Then little by little, things will begin to change. Those sweet, reassuring morning messages will fade and you’ll find yourself settling for stingy “WYD” and “Come Thru” texts that are sent at disrespectful times of the night. Once you notice a shift in communication, I’d suggest you thread softly. And by thread softly, I mean move on! You don’t have time to play Inspector Gadget or pull out your handy dandy notebook to try to figure out why homie is acting funny. Members of the “Let’s Talk It Out” tribe will try to drag me in the comments because they feel avoidance is not the proper way of communicating. I understand where they are coming from, but there’s a time when a woman has to reserve her energy only for those who are worthy. If dude didn’t deem you worthy enough to wife you, why should he be worthy of your time? Lackluster effort shouldn’t be tolerated nor rewarded. So when he starts acting funny, act accordingly! Clearly I haven’t always felt so strongly about this. I’ve shared with you how I’ve handle things in the past but this new approach works much better for me. You can’t force a man to talk if he doesn’t want to. The more you push, the more he’ll pull away. Eventually , he will grow tired of you requesting that he maintain the precedence that HE set in the beginning. At that point, him becoming a no call, no show is inevitable so get out before you get ghosted!
Ghosting typically doesn’t appear out of thin air. There are always red flags. Before he leaves he’ll definitely foreshadow his absence. The situations are always the same. It’s like all dudes use the same ghostwriter to plan their exit strategy. It’s a vicious cycle that must end. Luckily we now know the signs and can use this knowledge to our advantage! Girl, He’s Obviously a Strategic Time-waster (G.H.O.S.T.) so pick up your pride, dust off the disappointment, erase the embarrassment and move on to the next man!
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